UPS is here. Am I that woman?

To be fair I'd been waiting for weeks for it to arrive. It was Friday and it's not a sexy housecoat...

Really what are the odds? As a country property with no set route that within the eight hours of distribution time available the delivery guy will show up moments after I have exited the shower.

I thought I was hearing things, but the dog confirms it. Someone's at the door. NO! the inner voice screams NOT NOW! Scanning the room for something to put on in place of my housecoat, nothing appears. I run to the window to see him returning to the truck with my beloved package under his arm.

Within seconds I have to decide "Am I that woman?" Is he going to think that I'm the lonely housewife of countless jokes. Do I open the door in my housecoat or wait until Monday for my package.

Second glance. SHIT he's backing up. Now I will have to run out and flag him?

No time left. F it. Patience is not one of the virtues passed on to my generation.

I fling open my front door in all my pink fuzzy glory. Waving my arms like a it's an emergency vehicle and I've been stranded for days.

What if he doesn't see me? Panic sets in. What if he does?

The truck stops. Shit. Shit. Shit. What have I done? 

He's in the back of his truck retrieving my godforsaken package. The thought that I should just close the door and hide seems quite rational. He will knock. I will hide. We will both go about our day pretending this little incident didn't happen.

I close the door. Extra thankful for the etched glass. Hunkering down I remember the dog flew out when I opened the door and I can hear her jumping all over this poor soul. F balls now I'm committed. I should be committed.

He knocks. I crack the door enough to put my face out. "Package?" I say. Afraid that if I let any more words out I might try to explain the housecoat situation and he will be back at the shop telling the boys about the crazy lady that came on to him in the housecoat. "Yep" He replies, all chipper. Does he not know how traumatic this all is? 

I sign. He retreats. I sit on the floor relived it's over. The dog takes this as permission to lick my face. I hate dog licking.

At least I have my parcel. Wait, what is this? I didn't even order this. I toss it on the table too emotionally spent to care.

Later the boy comes home from school, grabbing his online purchase off the table with little regard to the trauma it caused. Running up the stairs he throws out a, "Thanks Mom". Thanks! Thanks! All I get is a careless thanks!

Maybe I should get back in the shower and start this day over again.

Elephant Hunting

It's getting a bit crowded with the elephants around here. They have lurked into our life uninvited for years and we started to get used to their presence. Of late there has been a population boom in our herd and it's time for a cull.

I was having trouble putting my finger on it. The uneasiness that had set into my days. I was blaming the lack of time to myself with all the activities that summer brings. Working from home holds extra challenges during the months when the children are not in school. The to do list gets longer and you start to day dream about quiet.

It was time to do something about it. I caught the husband when he was in a good mood so he could hear my aim and not my blame.
"I think we should go elephant hunting"
Insert look of  Lard what is she on about now? 
Me "The bastards are out of control" 

I knew I'd have some explaining to do...

"You know those issues that we ignore because they suck? I envision them as inviting a gumball sized elephant to live in our house. He's quiet, doesn't really bother anyone but with each day he grows a little. He feeds on daily activities like laundry and guitar lessons. Has major growth spurts during holidays and vacations. Before you know it, he fills up the room and you realize he invited his friends".

So at the bottom of a bottle of wine. I'd convinced him to go big game hunting with me.
Have some pachyderms of your own?  Here was the proposed procedure.

• Step One - Name the elephants - Shits bugging you that you think you're okay with. Start with the mammoths. Major life changing stuff like the call to the doctor that you should make, income tax or the brakes on the car.
• Step two - Call those bastards out. We have a giant chalk wall in our kitchen. I drew cartoon like outlines of elephants and filled them with code names that were very clear to us. Honestly do my in laws need to know that we didn't finish the concrete around the sump pump in the basement 3 years ago? You may want to draw bigger elephants for bigger issues, but the truth around here is even the little elephants are a problem. So on our wall they are just randomly represented by art space available.
• Step Three - Make a plan. Which one are you going after first? How are you going to corner him? Who's help do you need? Can you take two out a once?? Sometimes they travel together. Unfinished concrete in the basement, meet unfinished pool pad. You bad boys are going down. 
• Step Four - Do something. The chances that your elephant is easy to corner are slim. If it was you would have taken him out already. Be careful not to get stuck in step three and sit around congratulating yourself about finally doing something about your problem. The tiniest step can brake the chains that were holding you in dormancy.
• Step five - Celebrate the hell out of your kills. Each of our elephants correlates to a dinner out -sans kids. 

Here's a few things we learned on this mission. Notably while you and your partner live in the same house they may see different elephants. They also may not be bothered by some of the elephants that you believe are wrecking the most havoc. 

Everyone has elephants. Everyone. So feeling bad about your elephants is a waste of your time and energy. You step on gumball sized elephants all the time without realizing. It's guaranteed someone has an elephant that is a complete non-issue in your life . So let's just get to huntin'. Celebrate our wins together and make a little extra room for joy in all of our lives.

Back when I sold Rainbow Vaccums

Last night a good friend asked me about when I used to sell Rainbow Vaccums door to door in highschool. Now I've been known to forget things, but you'd think I would remember that.

If my memory serves. I worked as a Nurses Aide at the Kingsway Lodge Nursing Home, which I followed with stellar career at Joggers, where I spent far more money than I ever made. 

Upon doing some digging into what lead her to believe in my successful vacuum sales days, she told me a mutual friend of ours had brought it up at a New Years party. 

It made me giggle. When you chose network marketing as your profession and you seem relatively sane. Society makes that compute in their heads in some strange ways. The fact that I am so good at sales that I could sell vacuums door to door in high school is just the newest.

Let me confess. I am terrible at sales. TERRIBLE.  When the school fundraisers come home, I just cut a check. I was kicked off my family's charity event raffle committee because I hate asking store owners for donations. In my 6th year of business, I have yet to cold call a single person and it's not in my plans to start.

Last year my team did over a million dollars in product sales. 

How does that happen? By doing exactly what thousands of women do naturally every day, recommending something that works. When I see a boy at the hockey arena with terrible acne, do I run over to him and tell him about our products. Hell no. But if that same boy's Mom shares with me that she feels awful watching her son struggle with it, I am going to tell her about the success we are having with our new acne line and offer to let him try it.

We do it every day. Several dozen people have told me to take my family to see the new Star Wars movie.  Are Disney and Lucasfilms cutting a check to these people? No way. According to iSpot.tv, the studio paid $19.3 million to air the "Force Awakens" trailer on 44 broadcast and cable networks, most of which will be seen on the big four networks and ESPN (1/4 of the budget goes to NFL games alone). Network marketing companies choose to function under a different business model. With little to no advertising budget the companies use what would be earmarked for advertising to compensate representatives for being consumer advocates. 

Which thank goodness I can do because contrary to popular belief, I do not have sales skills required to sell wrapping paper through the school, let alone vacuum cleaners door to door.

Kicking myself on the shelf

Thousands of us have done it.

It's a lot of fun! They said
The kids will love it! They said
It's easy! They said
The elf just sits on the shelf and moves from place to place each night...

I should have know better. They are always telling lies.

Like so many before me. I made the mistake of inviting elves to live in my house for the weeks before Christmas. Elves that watch the kids all day, then fly home to Santa to tattle at night.

No common over marketed elf for my children. Nana had 3 elf friends born about the same time she was, so with her help, they came live with us.

At first they were great. Moving happily around the house. Delighting the children and parents alike.
But soon they got lazy, or tired. Let's be fair. It's a busy friggin time for elves. Their heads are over run with super important nonsense. Like which day is pyjama/ugly sweater/dress like a reindeer day at school, or what they gave the bus driver for Christmas last year. So the unthinkable happens.

Let me play it out for you;

The children run down the stairs to see where the elves have landed. 

Mom notices they haven't moved since yesterday...or was it the day before.

Children use perfected 'disappointment eyes' to stab said Mother in the heart.

Mom explains that "our elves are older than other peoples elves, moving is harder for them. Sometimes when they find a spot they like, they might just stay there for a couple days and rest."

The next few days are great. Elves move. The everyone's happy.

Then one of the children comes home to share what little Susie's elf does...

No one tells you when you invite an elf into your house that you are entering a parenting competition. You think they are just going to plop from place to place in your house. You should have been paying better attention on Facebook.

It's time to call it out. SOME PEOPLE are helping their elves. There is no way that an elf can get into some of the situations I've seen on my Facebook newsfeed.

Elsa froze your elf in a block of ice? Really?

Your elf cut out 4000 paper snowflakes and decorated your entire main level? Really?

Let's not get into the questionable relationship your elf is in with Barbie...

15 Christmas' from now I will be sitting at the supper table with my children. They will be reminding me of how in 2014 our elves didn't show up at all. Or how Molly the dog got the littlest's elf and ate his hat before someone noticed. One of these children will have had their own children, so I will share with them that I still have the contact information for the 3 geriatric elves of their youth. Then I will set it up that the little a-holes are distributed to live with them.

That first morning the elves arrive they will get to see the joy in their children's faces.
I will be sitting, giggling at my own house knowing what is coming.

Sitting in my own quiet house.
Sitting in my too quiet house, where I can remember how soon my own children became too old to care about elves and Santa and the small joys of Christmas...

Dangit. Now I have to go cut 4000 snowflakes.

Too many roosters

How many roosters do you see in this picture?

The Answer. Too many.

Here in lies the problem of the 'non-farmer-like' chicken farmer. Should you hatch a collection of eggs, some will be born roosters. In our case. Most will be born roosters.

While this is essentially losing in the chicken genetic lottery. There are many perks to raising a flock of predominately male poultry. 

1) You never need to worry about sleeping past 5:30am.

2) They are happy to provide exercise for the dog.

3) They look pretty....

However as the fall gets colder and the risk of being charged for running a Cock Fighting operation increases, the option of ignoring this situation is getting a little less feasible.

So...more good news. FREE ROOSTERS! 

Everyone needs a rooster. 

Remember 1992 when roosters graced many a kitchen décor item? You miss those days. Don't you?

Let me tell you about a few of your bachelor options

Bachelor number 1 - Bob. Bob is modelling for you the tradition rooster garb. Ever popular in Chinese food restaurant, Bob will add the Feng Shui to your yard.

Bachelor Number 2 - Foxy. Last week Foxy had a tail... He doesn't like to talk about his near death experience. We kindly ask that you don't bring it up while he waits for his prosthetic to arrive.

Bachelor Number 3. Donald. Donald is in love with a duck. He is enthusiastically working to create a new breed of 'Chucks'. But we don't judge. Love is love Donald.

Bachelor number 4 is Chip. Born looking like a chipmunk. He doesn't say much. 

We think he may have a mouthful of nuts.

Bachelor Number 5 is Pat. Pat is gender confused. Chicken on the front. Rooster on the back.  Exotic and rare. Pat has no time for pictures.

Bachelor Number 6 is Molly. A more appropriate name would likely have been Elvis, or King as he's king of the castle around here. But apparently it's Molly, as he comes every time we call the dog.

So I know what you are thinking. It's my lucky day. I'm getting a free rooster! 

But call now. This is a limited time offer. 

Operators are standing by to take your call.

1-800-whatwasIthinking

Have you seen my bum?

Excuse me. I know you are busy but I have lost something very important to me. It seems I have misplaced my bum.
I am not looking for my circa 1996, 19 year old bum. Only the one that I possessed at the beginning of the summer. A recent cold snap sent me into jeans that seem to have shrunk in the closet. As did the next pair...and the next. I have come to the conclusion that somewhere in the last 2-3 months I must have set down my bum and picked up someone else's. This one doesn't fit me.

I am mentally retracing my July & August steps.

• Maybe I left it at the gym? No I put my gym membership on hold of the summer. That can't be it.
• Maybe it's in the one of the lawn chairs? I clearly remember sitting it there many times with a bag of chips.
• Maybe it's with the empty red wine bottles? There seems to have grown quite a collection.

Truly it's a mystery. 

Should you see my bum, could you please let it know that I miss it and I would like it back. We have a cruise planned together for October and I'm worried the port authorities are going to think I'm trying to smuggle in a bag of fish.

Why I do "home parties"

I've worked with hundreds of people in the last five years as a business coach. Never have I sat down with someone that has said  "I really want to do home parties" or "As a child I dreamed about going into peoples homes to share with them a product I believe in". Much more likely, the concern "Do I HAVE to parties?" is voiced.

I confess I was part of the later group. When I considering joining the company I currently represent it was my biggest stumbling block. Although I couldn't put my finger on why. There was something about that idea that made me feel uncomfortable.

I had been given a pull to check out the business and I was desperate to change my life. So I accepted that I might have to do group presentations and I dipped my toe into the business. I was surprised by what I found. Not only did I enjoy meeting new people in a relaxed environment, I learned so much.

Do you know what this is?

I didn't, until Wednesday when the host at my presentation served it. The same night a guest taught me a cool eye make up trick with scotch tape and how to pronounce the Ł in Polish.

In the five years I have been in Network Marketing it has grown in many ways. Home presentations are now only one of the tools we have to reach new customers. Several effective reach out methods have been added in response to our societies increasingly busy lives. In fact in my personal business these events only make up a small portion of my activity. 

Once my biggest concern, group presentations are now among the things I look forward to the most. I meet people that I never would have and learn the coolest things. 

If you are still wondering what that fruit is, check out  http://www.wikihow.com/Eat-a-Persimmon